I vividly recall typing "I haven't written in quite a while," or "I have been far too busy to keep up with my writing" 4 or 5 times a year not a very long time ago. Each time I found myself experiencing deja-vu while writing this or another variation of the same statement. I became intimate with the feeling of giving up and I am fairly certain that each time I typed my acknowledgement of failure, it was for a different writing or blogging project.
Basically, by my guesstimate, I started 4 or 5 writing projects each year with the intention of using the project to develop my thoughts and how I express them, and to entertain or inform a reader. Instead of developing as a writer, I was hit with a wave of unnecessary guilt each time, a feeling of guilt that made me throw my hands in the air and then delete whichever project I had started, all the while swearing off the commitment it requires to find success.
And here I am again- overcome with the sense of duty to myself and the 2 people that read SeannieWan vs. Captain America; if there are that many readers. It was this silly sense of duty and the unnecessary anxiety, quite identical to what I experienced in the past, that compelled me to review the blog and consider if it is something that I should attempt to continue or if it is a project that will end up being deleted regardless of any post I add (which, as it happens, is likely the post that I am typing now, though I am truly debating if the post will be published).
In the defence of my own personal attack upon myself, I haven't had to write one of the excuses or half-hearted apologies for what feels like 3 years. At one time, most likely more than a decade in the past, these apologies I wrote made me feel slightly better for not being able to commit for follow-through with a project; a project that would doubtless improve my skill set; the skill set for a craft that I have always claimed I wanted to find success in.
This is the first time in a long time and yet it is the same old story. I can't say whether this is because I am too old and have become too bitter to even consider writing regularly or because I have become wiser and I haven't taken on any projects that would interfere with anything I've already committed my fleeting time and effort to.
I know that many of the concessions I've typed in a lame final blog post were made because I'd rather view a timeless, perfectly written feature film or television program than I would put in the effort required to make my own project work. I can't say for certain but I want to believe that this time around, viewing a timeless, perfectly written work is not a priority in any way while following through with something I started, for whatever reason, seems like it is the most important thing in the world.
The reason that I am not conceding this blog, at least the reason tonight, is that time doesn't seem to be on my side any longer. There is a moment of realization in every man's life in which the number of days that are behind him is equal to, or possibly more than, the days that are in front. That isn't to say that I'm sick or dying but that I have reached an age where do-overs and false starts are things best avoided.
With all these bright and sunny thoughts in mind, I have to admit that I haven't written in quite some time...
I am a grown-ass man with grown-ass responsibilities. These responsibilities include but are in no way limited to a wife; a stepson; a beautiful doggo; another dog but ugly, irritating, and came with the house; a car with a lot of miles; a job that is an easy 50 hours a week spread over a schedule that has no consistency in either start/end times, or even which days I work. As you can see, there are a lot of responsibilities I have that make it difficult to find the time or energy to keep SeannieWan vs. Captain America moving.
In spite of all the aforementioned responsibilities, there is also the work I do in order to create something of meaning. This work includes the production of my podcast, which has more listeners than I ever thought it would have and requires at times, more effort than I ever thought I could make. More vital to my confidence and self-worth, there is also the work of writing a novel that is 2/3's through a first draft. Finally, and very likely the most difficult of anything I've put down as a difficulty that prevents me from keeping up with SeannieWan vs. Captain America is the ceaseless need to create something of meaning- be it new ideas for Internet Audio Shows, written short stories, or even studio work creating instrumental music. These all run laps around my psyche; they feed me fuel to propel my creativity and imagination forward, but they also function as strong desires that in my darkest, cruellest moments, rest light years away from a time during which I would be able to begin another project.
Perhaps related, or perhaps not, I find that as an older man my ability to blame people and situations for mine own shortcomings is absolutely stellar; it is on a level that other procrastinators and lazy artists can only dream of reaching. While this may be a slight exaggeration, it is true. Ergo, refusing to delete SeannieWan vs. Captain America on this day is admittedly a small victory and it gives me hope that this blog will deliver to a growing and enthusiastic reader-base the mundane and fruitless details of my life for years to come.